im living in hell. im living in hell. i feel like im still bedridden, but im not. i can go out, i can do things, i beg to do anything. everyone else is too busy. i heard her voice for the first time in months today, and i havent talked to him in 4 days. everyone is busy except me and therefore i am left alone constantly. it is eating at me. usually id prefer to do nothing over being overwhelmed, but now nothing is more overwhelming than doing many things. weird how that works. why did i go through this? why am i going through this? i know there is no response. i know there is no real answer, yet i search for one anyway. karma? fate? am i destined to be tortured? i dont know what to do about it. i dont know if theres anything i can do about it. why is this happening? how much longer will be before i am allowed to give up? help? i dont deserve help. i dont deserve anything. i deserve to rot. i deserve all the pain ive gone through. maybe i dont die because death is too good for me. i deserve the near death experiences. i deserved the coma. i dont deserve the freedom from this hell. i am living in hell. im living in hell. im living in hell. my life is a personal hell. life is the real hell. i am in hell. im living in hell. hell is what we all are in until we die. the real hell is life. the real hell is hiding inside your head. the real hell is hiding inside the breaths we take. the real hell is in every word that spills out of our hungry mouths. the real hell is in me. i am in hell. im in hell. im living in hell.